Ok, so I need to steam clean my life...get this young man into a place of his own....get our finances caught up from too many dang bills...get things rolling as far as selling my house to buy another... yep, basically light a fire under my ass....
Sooo what's the hold up? Can't seem to get out of my own way the past couple weeks. I have a one track mind and trust me it isn't on 112 dollars to the light company or which paint would look best in the back room...lol
I think once I was able to round the corner and make my way through the grass, figuratively speaking, she consumed my brain! That's right, it's mushier than four day old oatmeal in milk...no, thankfully it doesn't smell that bad, but gosh, since when did I ever care that new rose bushes need to be planted checker board fashion in the front flower garden?! Just grab the lawnmower and go over that patch of land then no one will know what I'm killing, um, I mean neglecting!
I had to laugh yesterday...she tells me she was on break at work and thinking about the saying,"only the first three inches matter" then wondering just how long her fingers are...rofl.... me, I'm such a dork I picked up a tape measure and proved that yes, she does have three inches! Of course, I have 3 1/2 so life is good! ;oP Then, alas, we've only had three or four hours sleep for the past three nights because we've been busy and her shifts are very early mornings this week sooo we crashed without proving the mightiness of any three inches! I'm so deprived! lol
I almost wish I'd waited until our vacation to run an expedition of her curves and valleys- then I wouldn't be sitting here wishing I could be gathering viable information! Ok, ok, truth is, I ain't all that regretful ;oP .......just tired.......and in need of a little somethin' somethin'..........
Sooo this morning I will be gathering up a shovel and digging holes -checkerboard fashion- in the front garden because this afternoon we will be planting some new rosebushes ---all the while thinking how great it would be to grab her as- um, hand and retreat indoors to a snuggly situation. One can only hope!
In the meantime, if you see my brain floating around please gather and place it in a bowl. I'm sure one day I'll be needing a thought or two!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I'm still here
Half awake- but still here. It's just been a really busy couple of weeks. All good - but this spring cleaning is shit...seems like whatever I touch creates more work! And having to get it done around the rain showers is a bitch. But I'd rather have rain than snow sooo as much of a pain in the ass as it is, it's still better than icicles forming off my chin.
On the home front, things are good- 'cept I reallllllly want our space back. Probably another month or two til my son gets into his place. Sure has kept the intimacy at bay lately. ugh! lol That and we're having a difference of opinion that I think a lot of people go through.
I want to tell our kids- she doesn't. She thinks it will mess up their heads and they need to get back on their feet first. I don't see what the big deal is- we've been living like this forever already. Just now we've accepted and rolled with it- literally too ;o) lol....our kids wouldn't know what happened if we were not together. We've been bookends for so long, they expect to see us together...I don't know. I just think it would make things a bit easier. Maybe I'm being selfish...but I want to claim the great person I am with.
Only a month to go until our vacation and I think we're going to have a long talk while we're away about living this dual life. I don't want to hide anymore- she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know she feels the same, she's told me, but she's scared of how other people will start acting. ARG- why can't things be easy?! lol
I can legally marry her ... how cool is that?! That was great news earlier this week. Yes, I am still waiting til later this year to ask her....but knowing it's legal now adds fuel to my fire! Still trying to formulate a totally awesome proposal...I know, it's early yet, but I gots to be prepared! :o)
I'm thinking about renting a beach house...preparing an awesome dinner (she cooks more than me so that will be special in itself) and leaving a dozen roses on the pillow--11 multicolored real roses and one decorative sterling silver rose with a ring box attached and a note that says" I want to decorate every day of the rest of our lives. I'll love you until this last one withers...will you marry me?" Sappy, huh? Dang, I got goosebumps just thinking about it...lol Of course, there will be a few words I'll have to say prior, like how happy she makes me blah blah...Anyway, how does that sound?
I've also thought of going for a midnight walk along the beach and somehow working the flowers in that way...I don't know....suggestions?
Ok, I've rambled on enough. lol Happy Easter everyone.
On the home front, things are good- 'cept I reallllllly want our space back. Probably another month or two til my son gets into his place. Sure has kept the intimacy at bay lately. ugh! lol That and we're having a difference of opinion that I think a lot of people go through.
I want to tell our kids- she doesn't. She thinks it will mess up their heads and they need to get back on their feet first. I don't see what the big deal is- we've been living like this forever already. Just now we've accepted and rolled with it- literally too ;o) lol....our kids wouldn't know what happened if we were not together. We've been bookends for so long, they expect to see us together...I don't know. I just think it would make things a bit easier. Maybe I'm being selfish...but I want to claim the great person I am with.
Only a month to go until our vacation and I think we're going to have a long talk while we're away about living this dual life. I don't want to hide anymore- she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know she feels the same, she's told me, but she's scared of how other people will start acting. ARG- why can't things be easy?! lol
I can legally marry her ... how cool is that?! That was great news earlier this week. Yes, I am still waiting til later this year to ask her....but knowing it's legal now adds fuel to my fire! Still trying to formulate a totally awesome proposal...I know, it's early yet, but I gots to be prepared! :o)
I'm thinking about renting a beach house...preparing an awesome dinner (she cooks more than me so that will be special in itself) and leaving a dozen roses on the pillow--11 multicolored real roses and one decorative sterling silver rose with a ring box attached and a note that says" I want to decorate every day of the rest of our lives. I'll love you until this last one withers...will you marry me?" Sappy, huh? Dang, I got goosebumps just thinking about it...lol Of course, there will be a few words I'll have to say prior, like how happy she makes me blah blah...Anyway, how does that sound?
I've also thought of going for a midnight walk along the beach and somehow working the flowers in that way...I don't know....suggestions?
Ok, I've rambled on enough. lol Happy Easter everyone.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Spring Cleaning
No, that title isn't a fancy phrase used to denote my new sexual excursions! rofl...but now that my clock gets dusted frequently, it's time to move on to the mundane...it's Spring- time to pull out the lawn mower, clean up the lawn furniture, get the garden ready to plant, and all other things warm weather related.
My son moved home a few months back- "to get on his feet" (translates to "Mommy, take care of me. I'm afraid to face the big bad world alone- can I have another cookie?") and I don't know what has overtaken his body. It's some lazy, inconsiderate, self-absorbed creature who doesn't know to keep its sneakers out of the hall, its razor out of the sink, and for crying out loud its laundry done so the guest room doesn't smell of his jockiness.
In all honesty, he's a good guy but this moving home shit has aged him- backwards! Now, I don't just have 'honey do's' there's 'mommy do's!' And quite frankly it's getting old. He left college and decided to find his way in the real world. Can't blame him for leaving school because of his injuries (he lost his sport scholarships), but gosh darn it, I can't wait to be able to run through the house bare-assed if I want! ;o) Or better, have my sweetie run through bare assed! lol
So, he's here all of a month and he totals his car. Another reason for me to hate black ice. Thankfully, he's all right but all the junk from his vehicle was thrown on the patio to create quite a decorative disgrace. I've been recieving subtle hints ("I really wish this shit would be picked up!") for about two months now. Sooo in the hopes of some happiness...(ok, more like a twinkle in her eye and a smile across her face....ok, ok...more like, he's working tonite and we have the house to ourselves soooo some quiet candlelight and a walk in the park....ok, ok already...a mad passionate "Honey how are you now?! Doesn't the patio rock?!" ;o) rofl)....I just spent an hour out there raking leaves, rearranging furniture and yes, cleaning the freakin' patio...while the creature slept- go figure!
Oh well, Life is still beautiful...enjoy your day. I will now that my patio is rocking!
My son moved home a few months back- "to get on his feet" (translates to "Mommy, take care of me. I'm afraid to face the big bad world alone- can I have another cookie?") and I don't know what has overtaken his body. It's some lazy, inconsiderate, self-absorbed creature who doesn't know to keep its sneakers out of the hall, its razor out of the sink, and for crying out loud its laundry done so the guest room doesn't smell of his jockiness.
In all honesty, he's a good guy but this moving home shit has aged him- backwards! Now, I don't just have 'honey do's' there's 'mommy do's!' And quite frankly it's getting old. He left college and decided to find his way in the real world. Can't blame him for leaving school because of his injuries (he lost his sport scholarships), but gosh darn it, I can't wait to be able to run through the house bare-assed if I want! ;o) Or better, have my sweetie run through bare assed! lol
So, he's here all of a month and he totals his car. Another reason for me to hate black ice. Thankfully, he's all right but all the junk from his vehicle was thrown on the patio to create quite a decorative disgrace. I've been recieving subtle hints ("I really wish this shit would be picked up!") for about two months now. Sooo in the hopes of some happiness...(ok, more like a twinkle in her eye and a smile across her face....ok, ok...more like, he's working tonite and we have the house to ourselves soooo some quiet candlelight and a walk in the park....ok, ok already...a mad passionate "Honey how are you now?! Doesn't the patio rock?!" ;o) rofl)....I just spent an hour out there raking leaves, rearranging furniture and yes, cleaning the freakin' patio...while the creature slept- go figure!
Oh well, Life is still beautiful...enjoy your day. I will now that my patio is rocking!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
After the ecstacy
I'd always heard after the meeting of our most intimate parts, the euphoria would soon wear off and we'd be left amidst the mundane household chores and whatever else previously occupied our time. Ugh! lol
Well, perhaps I'm still in the honeymoon phase...or perhaps I'm dreaming (if that is true- no mf-er better ever wake me up! lol) ...but even the mundane everyday chores are easy now...in fact, we've spent the past fifteen years washing dishes, dusting, grocery shopping, working etc but all of sudden even these activities have taken on new life. Who'd have ever thought? lol
I've known Brenna for over 20 years and lived with her for 3/4 of that. Sure, we've had our arguments but nothing dramatic- just stupid stuff. Now that we're over that "can I make love to a woman" stuff, it's such a relief! Our conversations have taken on a new depth. Stories I've heard a thousand times I can listen to with new eagerness. Life is just tooooo freakin awesome!
Never thought I could be this happy. Never had the capacity to even dream about the intensity of this joy. It's too freakin cool. To finally truly be with the one I love and claim who I am --woohooo! I'm ready to break out the balloons, a keg and have a block party! rofl...
So, now here's the deal....I want to ask her to marry me. Yeah yeah I know we just got here! But have we really? From our conversations of late, we've both been here already for many years...now it's just truly real. I don't plan to ask her until later this year...end of summer or fall. Maybe Christmas- well, I gotta save for a ring, don't I?! lol...I mean a real ring, not that freaking 100 dollar promise one she has now. We used to joke about being "beyond married" before we even admitted how we felt about each other. Shoot we raised our kids together and every other darn thing so perhaps it ain't too soon.
I must figure out a fabulously romantic setting and plan it out ...not for the marriage, for the proposal. I want to do it before we buy our new house....which appears to be next spring. Any ideas? We love the beach so you have to know it will involve the ocean somehow.
She's working now and I have another two hours before I can leave to pick her up. We're going to lunch and then to pay some bills. Nothing special...but then again, everything's special when she's with me! I am a love sick pup!! rofl...
Our morning snuggle time was short today because of the early morning shift she has, but all's good- I'm still pumping on the wonderfully long session last night. ;o) It just keeps getting better!
Ok, enough about this relationship for a minute ( I think I'm gonna burst from the euphoria! lol). It's spring- the crocuses are in bloom, the robins are back and the lilacs are budded. It rocks not hearing "winter storm warning is in effect until blah blah" on the radio every morning. I bought Brenna some rambling roses yesterday so she can decorate the yard. I'm gonna build a cool looking trellis for them to grow along. Freaking plant flowers?! Me?! Wow- life has changed! lol Here I go again....
I'll close now before I spill too much joy all over you! It's sappy sick! rofl
Have a super day!
Well, perhaps I'm still in the honeymoon phase...or perhaps I'm dreaming (if that is true- no mf-er better ever wake me up! lol) ...but even the mundane everyday chores are easy now...in fact, we've spent the past fifteen years washing dishes, dusting, grocery shopping, working etc but all of sudden even these activities have taken on new life. Who'd have ever thought? lol
I've known Brenna for over 20 years and lived with her for 3/4 of that. Sure, we've had our arguments but nothing dramatic- just stupid stuff. Now that we're over that "can I make love to a woman" stuff, it's such a relief! Our conversations have taken on a new depth. Stories I've heard a thousand times I can listen to with new eagerness. Life is just tooooo freakin awesome!
Never thought I could be this happy. Never had the capacity to even dream about the intensity of this joy. It's too freakin cool. To finally truly be with the one I love and claim who I am --woohooo! I'm ready to break out the balloons, a keg and have a block party! rofl...
So, now here's the deal....I want to ask her to marry me. Yeah yeah I know we just got here! But have we really? From our conversations of late, we've both been here already for many years...now it's just truly real. I don't plan to ask her until later this year...end of summer or fall. Maybe Christmas- well, I gotta save for a ring, don't I?! lol...I mean a real ring, not that freaking 100 dollar promise one she has now. We used to joke about being "beyond married" before we even admitted how we felt about each other. Shoot we raised our kids together and every other darn thing so perhaps it ain't too soon.
I must figure out a fabulously romantic setting and plan it out ...not for the marriage, for the proposal. I want to do it before we buy our new house....which appears to be next spring. Any ideas? We love the beach so you have to know it will involve the ocean somehow.
She's working now and I have another two hours before I can leave to pick her up. We're going to lunch and then to pay some bills. Nothing special...but then again, everything's special when she's with me! I am a love sick pup!! rofl...
Our morning snuggle time was short today because of the early morning shift she has, but all's good- I'm still pumping on the wonderfully long session last night. ;o) It just keeps getting better!
Ok, enough about this relationship for a minute ( I think I'm gonna burst from the euphoria! lol). It's spring- the crocuses are in bloom, the robins are back and the lilacs are budded. It rocks not hearing "winter storm warning is in effect until blah blah" on the radio every morning. I bought Brenna some rambling roses yesterday so she can decorate the yard. I'm gonna build a cool looking trellis for them to grow along. Freaking plant flowers?! Me?! Wow- life has changed! lol Here I go again....
I'll close now before I spill too much joy all over you! It's sappy sick! rofl
Have a super day!
Monday, March 30, 2009
It Don't Taste Like Chicken
Ok, the title...I couldn't resist the title...lol...I am in a giddy almost stupidly euphoric mood this morning....
So, yesterday I decided to meander into my sweetie's room and awaken her per the norm... no plans to do more than a huge lingering hug....well, toss my salad and call me caesar if she didn't roll over, give me that sheepish little smile of hers and pull me in for a longer wake up call. Yeeee-hawwww! :o) I can say I'm officially a non-virgin! rofl....
We spent hours together afterwards and you have to know I spent most of the day reliving these tender moments in my mind. Wow! And the second greatest part? I performed well enough she found the skyrockets! That honestly was something I was worried about- hey, I've only been with guys up to this point. Didn't know if I could make her feel the way I wanted. Amazing where love will take us!
But the greatest part was, of course, the closeness- being intimately united with the one I have secretly loved for many years. Ah yes! What a freakin' rush! I'm gonna freeze those moments and keep them alive in my heart forever. Dang, I'm such a freakin' sap! lol
Ok, maybe there's one more great part- it's still raining here and it's her day off! We may just have to 'watch a movie' for a while this morning! rofl....
Have a super day wherever you are and whatever you do. :o)
So, yesterday I decided to meander into my sweetie's room and awaken her per the norm... no plans to do more than a huge lingering hug....well, toss my salad and call me caesar if she didn't roll over, give me that sheepish little smile of hers and pull me in for a longer wake up call. Yeeee-hawwww! :o) I can say I'm officially a non-virgin! rofl....
We spent hours together afterwards and you have to know I spent most of the day reliving these tender moments in my mind. Wow! And the second greatest part? I performed well enough she found the skyrockets! That honestly was something I was worried about- hey, I've only been with guys up to this point. Didn't know if I could make her feel the way I wanted. Amazing where love will take us!
But the greatest part was, of course, the closeness- being intimately united with the one I have secretly loved for many years. Ah yes! What a freakin' rush! I'm gonna freeze those moments and keep them alive in my heart forever. Dang, I'm such a freakin' sap! lol
Ok, maybe there's one more great part- it's still raining here and it's her day off! We may just have to 'watch a movie' for a while this morning! rofl....
Have a super day wherever you are and whatever you do. :o)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Good morning at noontime ;o)
Ok, just stopping in quickly to see what's up out here. Yes you did read the headline correctly- I am officially saying good morning at noontime. It's rainy and dreary in the northeast USA today but in my world it's blazingly sunny.
Jude, if you are reading this, you can chalk up another one-- you weren't wrong, but May's gonna be awesome too! ;o)
I'll be buzzing back in later today or early tmw to write more. Have a super day!
Jude, if you are reading this, you can chalk up another one-- you weren't wrong, but May's gonna be awesome too! ;o)
I'll be buzzing back in later today or early tmw to write more. Have a super day!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Learning to speak in braille ;o)
So this morning I was innocently doing the "good morning honey" thing when I crept into her room. Had no plans for any roving of the manual digits...I had decided I didn't want her to think I was just seeing her as a sex object- even though she is very well endowed and very beautiful- I figured it would be in my best interest to just hold her and cuddle....When what to my delight happened, she began leading my fingers' location and gosh darn those incredible nails of hers streaming slowly, sensually up and down my back....shoot, I thought I was gonna explode all over the bedroom! Little peices of me would be bouncing up and down and waving flags! lol Ok, so Chris gets brave after dropping a lot of long lingering attention to the upper regions...Chris is hot and heading south! .........But alas, no news to report...I'm still a virgin of the lesbian kind. lol....guess either her urge to relieve herself of last night's beverages or her desire to wait for the 'right time and place' were too great....and she stopped my lingering hand after a few precious pets between those freaking gorgeous legs of hers.....wow, there's a lot to be said here for that advice: "always leaving them wanting more!" .....rofl....it's all good. I have no doubts the time will come and perhaps she too wants it to be at the beach. She won't really talk about things...not openly....I get little phrases throughout the day that make my heart jump outta my chest. Like yesterday's "you thrill me." when we were filling our coffee mugs up at the coffee shop. Then a wink and she's on to the next order of business. Soooo now I am probably gonna ask the world's dumbest question. Be forewarned and don't spit your coffee or glass of wine onto your computer! lol...If she won't outwardly tell me beyond these subtle, spur of the moment outbursts, how do I know how much she is or isn't enjoying what's happening between us? Perhaps I am just being insecure--I guess maybe her just initiating this morning should tell me something.... Anything anyone has to say would be appreciated.......all I know is I love her from the center of my being and life is so far beyond good today...guess all I can do right now is follow my heart and let love lead me.....have a great day all.... :o)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Am I Wrong?
We are heading out to the beach for a four or five day stay in mid-May. I had envisioned mustering up the courage to go from plutonic to a bit of petting and kissing at that time. Obviously by the smirk smeared across my face...that didn't happen.
I gave her a beautiful promise ring which she wears so proudly now. That too was supposed to be a surprise on our trip...but I got tremendous news the day it came- we wouldn't be foreclosed on our house and now I will in fact be able to put her name on it with mine- soooo, I gave her the ring.
Ok, so I am a real soft mushmelon! lol...anyway, this morning I could have easily stayed in her bed and proceeded to prune the hedges I have yet to attend to, but I thought how wonderful it would be to take her out on the beach under the stars and have our first time be there.... so I recoiled my rovering hands and woke her up fully to have coffee.
I guess my question is--- am I wrong to want to have it be special while on vacation? or should I just go for it before? I mean, obviously the first time will be special no matter what...but am I being cruel to excite her and then draw back to wait another month and a half? What would you do? Come on now, someone's gotta help me along here...lol....this is my first time doing the horizontal mambo with another woman...and she's not just any woman to me- but you know that from reading my blogs. :o)
Ok, I am off to go plaster I love you's all over our private myspace. Yes, I know I am such a freaking goober!! rofl...The day before yesterday I even pulled a carnation flower off the bouquet in our diningroom and secretly placed it in her glass case to find at work. That sure won a wonderful smile when I showed up to take her home! Wow, what's happened to me?! I've always been the gruff tough tomboy now I've shrunken into a soft, mushy, shadow of myself (but only with her! ) ! lol.....
Have a great day everyone! :o)
I gave her a beautiful promise ring which she wears so proudly now. That too was supposed to be a surprise on our trip...but I got tremendous news the day it came- we wouldn't be foreclosed on our house and now I will in fact be able to put her name on it with mine- soooo, I gave her the ring.
Ok, so I am a real soft mushmelon! lol...anyway, this morning I could have easily stayed in her bed and proceeded to prune the hedges I have yet to attend to, but I thought how wonderful it would be to take her out on the beach under the stars and have our first time be there.... so I recoiled my rovering hands and woke her up fully to have coffee.
I guess my question is--- am I wrong to want to have it be special while on vacation? or should I just go for it before? I mean, obviously the first time will be special no matter what...but am I being cruel to excite her and then draw back to wait another month and a half? What would you do? Come on now, someone's gotta help me along here...lol....this is my first time doing the horizontal mambo with another woman...and she's not just any woman to me- but you know that from reading my blogs. :o)
Ok, I am off to go plaster I love you's all over our private myspace. Yes, I know I am such a freaking goober!! rofl...The day before yesterday I even pulled a carnation flower off the bouquet in our diningroom and secretly placed it in her glass case to find at work. That sure won a wonderful smile when I showed up to take her home! Wow, what's happened to me?! I've always been the gruff tough tomboy now I've shrunken into a soft, mushy, shadow of myself (but only with her! ) ! lol.....
Have a great day everyone! :o)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What a Difference A Day Makes...
Did you hear that bongo drum beating wildly yesterday morning? I'm sure you did. If it shook you out of your comfortable slumber I must apologize. But I'm truly not sorry for what created the sound!
I have replayed this new memory a thousand times and each time seems new to me. Ok, here's what created the stir: Things went a bit further early yesterday morning, and as I unbuttoned each button of her nightshirt, my heart not only skipped a few beats but banged like it was going to drill a hole in my chest. Damn! Touching, squeezing, kissing, loving...yep, I have officially splattered my dna all over her beautiful breasts. Then of course I had to hold her and tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is so yesterday's wake up call lasted a bit longer than normal.
Funny thing is, I actually had gone into her room to awaken her early for a long trip we needed to take - nothing more, but her morning cuddly snuggly nature got the best of me ;o) Yeah, we were late leaving on our excursion- lol...(not my fault, an hour passed in a dang minute!) but we still got things done that needed to be taken care of yesterday.
Driving down the road, my thoughts remained wrapped up in her arms and I had a new sense of acceptance for what I once deemed man's failure - "Is that all you think about? Sex?!" lol... No, I honestly don't see her as a sexual being I must conquest--although I guess this blog may make it sound that way-- I just have this incredible need to be as close to her as I can get....yep, it's just love gone wild. lol
She didn't feel well last night so I tucked her in early and now, here I sit writing and allowing her some extra zzz's. Ok, so I'm clock watching and can't wait for another hour, four minutes and six seconds to pass! lol
Great thing is, she doesn't have to work today! Soooo....this is going to be a wonderful Tuesday- even if I only wear pajamas all day! :o)
I have replayed this new memory a thousand times and each time seems new to me. Ok, here's what created the stir: Things went a bit further early yesterday morning, and as I unbuttoned each button of her nightshirt, my heart not only skipped a few beats but banged like it was going to drill a hole in my chest. Damn! Touching, squeezing, kissing, loving...yep, I have officially splattered my dna all over her beautiful breasts. Then of course I had to hold her and tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is so yesterday's wake up call lasted a bit longer than normal.
Funny thing is, I actually had gone into her room to awaken her early for a long trip we needed to take - nothing more, but her morning cuddly snuggly nature got the best of me ;o) Yeah, we were late leaving on our excursion- lol...(not my fault, an hour passed in a dang minute!) but we still got things done that needed to be taken care of yesterday.
Driving down the road, my thoughts remained wrapped up in her arms and I had a new sense of acceptance for what I once deemed man's failure - "Is that all you think about? Sex?!" lol... No, I honestly don't see her as a sexual being I must conquest--although I guess this blog may make it sound that way-- I just have this incredible need to be as close to her as I can get....yep, it's just love gone wild. lol
She didn't feel well last night so I tucked her in early and now, here I sit writing and allowing her some extra zzz's. Ok, so I'm clock watching and can't wait for another hour, four minutes and six seconds to pass! lol
Great thing is, she doesn't have to work today! Soooo....this is going to be a wonderful Tuesday- even if I only wear pajamas all day! :o)
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I feel like a teeny bopper!
Another morning of sweet silent cuddling has all but dissipated into the past, and here I sit feeling like a young teeny bopper experiencing her first puppy love. And why not? In reality, it is my first real love...
I've never felt as close to anyone before. Looking back at the times I really believed I was 'in' love with someone, I realize that was so far from the truth. The feelings I have today have never been experienced by me. Warm, intense, fuzzy, euphoric little twinges constantly zoom through my body at the mere thought of her presence. If time could be frozen, I'd throw my arms around her soft silky skin and hang on tight, never letting the sensation of uninhibited closeness end.
I guess the truly amazing part is: she loves me too! Why- I'll never understand....but she does! That fact alone makes my heart do cartwheels, my thoughts dance, and my body electrify. My worst days now are still great ones because at the end of the day, I know I have her and the love we share. That is all that matters.
Damn, I feel like a love sick pup! lol.... Call me thick, but yesterday as tired as she was when I awakened her, I wasn't sure she fully realized where she placed my head. (Of course, that didn't really matter too much at the time, I was in 36dd heaven! lol) All I could manage was a few timid caresses and gentle squeezes. Then came today....
She was much more awake, feigning sleep with closed eyes, as I carefully began where I left off in our last morning cuddle session. Again, I petted and stroked only to stop before I went too far too fast. In fact, I repeated the process three or four times. Each time my movements ceased, she'd grab my hand and return it firmly to its original destination. Okay, even in a better position the last time :o) as her fingers ran up and down my back.
Now I sit here like a freaking school kid as thoughts of "I touched her boobies!" run through my mind. I can feel my dimples embedded like cement in my face and I'm sure I look like the cat who ate the goldfish! Amazing how a simple touch can illuminate a world!
This sweet woman who has been abused in the past and has some abandonment issues has decided to allow me closeness. Who would have ever thought? Damn, how great life is!
I'm excited to see where this journey takes us. No, neither of us has ever had a sexual experience with another woman, but I'm really not afraid of that possibility...or more likely, probability. In fact, I don't even see it so much as sex as I do just being close to the one I hold a flaming torch for...that private oneness two people in love share.
Ok, I've rambled more than enough. Suffice it to say, Chris is freaking ecstatic today and yeah, "I touched her boobies!" rofl.....
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Reflections
So, this morning I crept into your room as you lay sleeping. Softly I placed my arms around you and whispered,"Good morning sweetheart." Ever so slowly that morning smile of yours- the one that makes my heart do somersaults and back flips-began to appear in the corners of your mouth.
It's become a morning routine to awaken you in this manner and together we stay for a half hour unfolding gently into our day. It's in this quiet, cuddling time when I know I could conquer your vulnerability and push us into a new level of our relationship, but you're so much more than a slab of meat to me that I remain satisfied just to be close to you. I'm noticing though as the mornings add up, you're the one who is slowly becoming willing to allow a more intimate closeness to develop.
Like today when you executed that wide wake up stretch and captured my head under your arm then led it to its resting place upon your breast. It was still dark in the bedroom so you couldn't see the smile that crossed my face from ear to ear. Oh yeah, Chris was in heaven.
Unsure if you were fully aware of what you'd done, I contented myself with a happy snuggle and only a few pets and gentle squeezes. They alone were enough to send electric shocks of euphoria through my body.
Damn, I am so lucky. You are not only beautiful, but brainy and have personality too. Rare to find all three in anyone. I am so blessed.
Since driving you to work, I've returned home to the scent of your perfume and have easily let my mind fall back into this morning's memory. What a great day to be alive.
I so can't wait to take you to the beach and be totally alone with you. No phones. No kids. No responsibilities. Just us. I know you aren't reading this so I can safely say: Secretly I hope to see all fear of vulnerability vanish those four days in May.
Isn't love beautiful?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The beginning
She's never made love to a woman.
Truth be told, she'd never even loved a woman like she loved Brenna. An abusive marriage then a long line of conquests (she'd searched these men out!) and failed relationships (she didn't want them once she had them) had led her to believe love wasn't what it was supposed to be. If it existed at all.
Now in her forties, circumstances changed tremendously. A woman she'd met in the midst of her marriage, best friended, and spent twenty years getting to know was now, surprisingly, the center of her world. She'd fought the feelings for over a decade. In fact, she battled anxiety so fiercely, it became an issue in her life. Then, just when she thought she couldn't handle life any longer, a conversation with Brenna sparked an acknowledgement of her hidden feelings. And Brenna's.
Driving around talking for hours, it was almost like a game of tag as they slowly unfolded what was hidden behind the surface of this strangely solid friendship. Each country drive became someone's turn to be "it" and unveil a little tidbit of information, neither woman willing to lay all the cards on the table in one session. After all, who wanted to ruin a close friendship by saying, "Hurray, I'm gay...and I love you?"
Having been roommates for over a decade, they raised their children together, faced births and deaths side by side, experienced the good, the bad, and the not so beautiful, never waivering from their positions. People had questioned this relationship for years. Even in their defensive arguments of denying a more intimate partnership, they fought steadfast together. By no means could that 'L' word be true. Both women too afraid of losing the other because of society's ignorance or worse, what if the other one left because she couldn't handle the idea that there may just be more feelings coming her way than she wanted?
Brenna, the girly girl, life of the party, "let's go have fun" woman had paired up with Chris, the self-declared jill of all trades, tomboy for life, "let's experience everything" woman with a wrench in her hand and a toolbelt proudly hanging in her closet. Originally, it had been a partnering of convenience and security. Neither wanted to raise their child alone. As the years unfolded, it eventually became undeniable that there was so much more to their story, if they'd just approach the situation with some fearlessness and compassion.
Guess there really is a greater plan for everyone because last fall the terms "life time companion," "partner," and "all who's wonderful in my world" were finally spoken. Scared of their own words, of the other leaving, of living a new life encompassing this love, they both took baby steps until the realization was too powerful to hide any longer.
Last week, the words "I can't imagine my life without you, nor do I want to","I'm in love with you- deal with it!", and "We're in it to win it- together, forever" solidified the connection. What a relief! Six months of skirting the issue, giving little bits at a time, saying the words but not acting upon them had finally developed into pure straight up acknowledgement- at least between the two of them. How sweet those words were! How wonderful life was becoming.
Basking in the memory of this relationship's journey, Chris woke up this morning wondering what would happen next. They have a vacation coming up in a couple of months- just the two of them. Could she really hold Brenna and make love to her-as beautifully as Chris had dreamed of so many times? Would Brenna allow her to- after all, society's labels often kept her a bit more reserved. There's no doubt about love's existence- it's living in their eyes and floats on the air between them so thick it would smother an observer...but....
Chris has never made love to a woman.
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